July 25, 2005
Those close to me know that I have problems saying ‘thank you’ when someone compliments me on most anything. I am very bashful in that sense, and never ‘believe’ that what someone is stating is true or from the heart. Believe it or not, I have a hard time looking at myself most mornings and believing I’m actually ‘fit’ or ‘pretty.’ What I find interesting is that what we see and what others see is so different. I truly believe that Perception is in the eye of the beholder. My distorted outer awareness is plagued by a poor, inner perception of myself.
These last few days I was thinking about the moment I was on stage in my last competition in late 2003, standing with a trophy and flowers next to Miss Fitness Universe 2003, Sherri McCall, and while smiling for the cameras I told her: “You have such a terrific body.” And she responded, “Well so do you!” And I said, “No I don’t, I look fat standing next to you.” And so there I was in a bikini, just competed against 70+ girls and placed top ten overall with girls I respected, admired and modeled myself against…and calling myself fat with a trophy in my hand. It has nothing to do with ‘not being good enough’ or ‘not feeling like I measure up to society’s standards.’ … it had everything to do with my inner awareness and perception of who Maria Kang really was.
My inner voice speaks to me on a daily basis: to challenge my body, mind and spirit so that I live my life to the fullest…each day. My inner voice is also a piece of my mother’s inner voice…sometimes when she looks at me, she tends to criticize pieces of me that reflect a piece of her: because she is unhappy with herself. Her discontentment and dissatisfaction was in many ways spiritually passed onto me. So while I love my mother, it’s painful to love her and not want to be like her.
So when people tell me that ‘they know me,’ they usually give me a list of historical events in my life or attitudes and actions I’ve expressed with them in the past. But I wonder, who really does know you? Who knows you if you don’t even know yourself? I consider those really close to me as those who ‘really know me.’ They know me because whatever my outside appearance and action’s shows, they know that inside of me, something else is happening. Unlike most people in this world, my friends know the details of what lies inside my life book and don’t just stare at its cover.
Last week I had an out pour of people who reached out without me having to ask: because they knew in my tone of writing, in my tone of voice on the phone, in the sparkle of my eye….that something inside of me was sad. True Communication is achieved without not having to say anything at all…because you just know. And in order to transmit sychronistic messages, each person has to resonate the same ‘energies’ as each other.
Loving the depth-ness of what really defines my true spiritual being is what will continue to help me battle fears, frustrations, sadness and regret. Having friends that love and appreciate the depth-ness of what truly makes me beautiful helps me because the real mirrors in this world are in the eyes of the people who love you. My advice today is to watch what you say: because it will bite you in the butt if it’s not positive….and watch who you hang around: because they are the people that help support and keep your warrior spirit alive.