September 8, 2007
Last night I visited my sisters new house and while Christine began preparations for dinner, naturally, I ended up making the spaghetti dinner for my niece and nephew. I wasn’t planning on eating a moderate portion of pasta, nor was I expecting temptation from freshly baked brownies for dessert. Yet while I sat on the kitchen floor in communion with those little kids, I savored each bite, I ingested every giggle and I absorbed all the loving energy that enveloped the empty room.
While the night was unplanned..it was absolutely perfect.
In the past, being in an unplanned environment would’ve made me anxious, frustrated and annoyed. At my highest level of compulsiveness, I avoided dining with friends, indulging in a small sugar free cookie, or sharing a small bite of pasta with my niece. This skewed way of thinking led to psychological control issues, physical insecurity, life imbalance…and ultimately, my struggle with Bulimia. My relationship with my personal identity has strengthened in these warring years and when I nurtured my body with a meal I lovingly prepared – I felt empowered.
I lost power over my sense of self a few years ago because I was blindly living in an imperfect human world where superficiality reigns supreme. While I had a body trained for pageantry, the people that were drawn to it were all seeking to exploit it.
Contest promoters used it to draw an audience. Photographers used it to sell their images. Friends used it to validate their sense of identity. Men used it to satisfy their own desires. And Lastly, I used it to fill a spirit overflowing with insecurity.
There were distinct moments after an episode when I thought I would die, paralyzed from the pain and evil persistence of a mind unwilling to let go of the bathroom walls. I felt disconnected and I still sometimes feel disconnected when I’m around an energy of people who live solely in the physical realm. Even right now, since I’ve made progressions in my physical body I’ve become more
cognizant of the people magnetized to the new energy I’m expelling. You can always sense an energy shift when your public perception of power rises and desire for exploitation rises with it.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself…is yourself. Taking back ownership of a body many try to possess, use and abuse takes spiritual strength and social discernment. Today I stand in my faith knowing that My body is a creative masterpiece God made in reflection of himself. Instead of feeding it the disrespect others gave it in my years of darkness, today I nourish it with the light that brought my body into existence. Regardless of shape or size, our bodies should be rejoiced and respected for its true measure of value.
My body was made to conceive. It is not a prize, a dollar sign or a sexual achievement. It was made to create life