November 13, 2005

For a few years now I have been having issues with food it began with a disgusting fat day that I indulged in each week when I dieted for a competition or a personal contest then it started becoming an obsession. I used food to control a lot of my emotional surges. I feel that we all try to control life in some way: for me, and for most people in this world: the hardest thing to control is your mind.

This weekend I was cooking and baking a lot. While I am not the best chef in the world, I do love to create things and make things look pretty all the time. It’s so much fun to get into the flow of creating something when life appears timeless, when you feel so involved in the action, and when you are challenged perfectly. I find my flow activity when I am preparing for a competition, writing in my journals, cooking meals, making jewelry, reading a good book, and especially when I am working out and lifting weights. This flow is another term for process.I realize that being in the process of doing things is what really made me happy in life…it wasn’t the end result, it was the journey that created value and quality to my everyday existence.

As I put more process into the foods that I ate, I started revering food more – In essence, I began respecting the origin and deliverance of the meal. Instead of consuming foods in which I opened a bag, or took off a wrapper…this weekend I was cutting, baking, molding, slicing…I was finding true joy in creating and designing my own foods. When I sat down to eat, I enjoyed the food more. the sight of it gave me so much pleasure internally because I knew exactly where it came from and I knew that at the root of its creation was my love: the devotion I gave when I made it.

When I suffered from my eating problems food was meaningless to me: because I had no connection to it. It was wrapped, it was processed it wasn’t real. Today, because I eat live foods, and I connect with it…by becoming a part in its process I have more reverence for my meals. Giving love is what helped me heal from a self-inflicted mind disease that over took me for many years.

Like anything in life: whether it be a person, a place of thing…the more you commit yourself to it, the more you work on it…the more that ‘thing’ becomes ‘alive’ and you revere and respect it more. Today I have a fullness with in because I have a fullness with out because I expel more love into things, I began loving myself more. Interesting what a little bit of cooking makes you think about