January 14, 2021

I was nearly swept away this past December. Despite not having to attend holiday parties due to the pandemic, each day was exhaustively filled with tasks. The hustle each year has made me resent the season due to the overwhelming emphasis on gift giving. My sons thankfully normally expect just a single gift from “us” (I put quotations because my husband rarely knows what was gifted) – but even then, a part of me feels guilt for not giving more. After all, ‘more’ is the theme of our commercialized Christmas.

On top of the buying, wrapping, shipping and gifting frenzy – which always abruptly ends on Christmas morning – I was struggling with COVID-19. We perform surveillance testing for the virus amongst our staff regularly and maintain limited but safe visitation policies amongst our care home residents and their families. Fear has rocked our world on multiple levels, from social unrest, political upheaval and a worldwide pandemic…mentally and physically I was having a hard time coping the last weeks of 2020.

This was all extremely hard to digest after a peaceful and powerful week meditating with Dr. Joe Dispenza. I always found meditation difficult as my brain is relentless when it comes to thinking – usually multiple things at once!  I not only look at the time several times a day, but I utilize each moment and mentally prioritize each task. I knew this silent practice was important however, because it kept calling to me in various podcasts, books and videos. It was hard, which is why I invested in it. Historically what is hard has always made me better.

Since a big birthday celebration was not an option, I asked myself what I wanted by first recognizing what I did not want…

…. I didn’t want the next decade of my life to look anything like my thirties. In reflection it was a great time of growth, responsibility, influence and passion. I appreciate my role as mother, business owner, belly ball founder and viral sensation in this last decade. It was an exciting ten years, but I don’t like traveling to same destinations twice.

I also did not want to lack control anymore. While I seemingly rule over many parts of my life, my internal world was a place I had yet to conquer. Closing my eyes and clearing my thoughts was difficult to do. In that spiritual struggle, I knew my salvation was being sown.

There was an instinctive calling that came to me when I booked my meditation retreat – when I arrived and began to practice daily, I knew who was calling…

In the silence of my head and the coherence of my heart, I started hearing who I was again. My kids were not calling for me, my emails weren’t controlling me, my social media and family wasn’t judging me and I – I became the observer of a life I unconsciously once lived.

I saw a woman who built an extremely hard exterior because she grew up in an environment that required her to persist. She has perfectionist tendencies because that is her false sense of control and a way she copes with sadness, stress, pain or anxiety.

I saw a woman whose personality is not a result of nature, but of nurture and how she constantly creates situations, people and places that allows her to be feisty, assertive, aggressive and competitive. I saw a little girl who felt she was never quite good enough and projected those feelings and made others around her feel the same.

I saw how I attracted a husband who perfectly matched my wound and chose me to help him heal his. I saw how we selected or deflected people around us to affirm pieces of ourselves and who we are today or wished to be tomorrow. I saw how love played a role in our evolution and how parents and children, whether loved or despised – was part of our source code.

In the silence of my being I saw the eternal me – the bubbly child, the bullied teenager, the celebrated pageant queen, the studious college student, the curious worldwide traveler, the ambitious business owner, the controversial fit mom and the passionate woman who just turned 40.

I created my construct of Christmas with my over-the-top decorations and endless gift list. I created my over-responsible life with expectations exceeding normal human beings. I choose to care (a lot) and have an unrealistic belief I can change a piece of the world while alive.

I tell myself daily now that I do not have to do anything.

I choose to.

My choice today is not dictated by a programmed and automated belief set that I am not good enough, have to prove something or measure up to someone’s standards. I choose this path. I choose the people I engage with in this path. I choose the things I care about and give attention to in this path.

Nothing in my life path can stay unless I allow it to stay. Your world is by permission only.

I will remember that next Christmas.