“I am”

May 17, 2011

May 16, 2011

Last Sunday, on Mother’s Day, David gifted me with four books and a date to watch I am at the movies. Besides taking my mother out for lunch, most of my day was spent reading in bed. I’ve already finished nearly two books now!

I’m not a big fan of television or movies, but I enjoy documentaries especially ones that inspire, motivate and promote positive change. I am is a movie about Tom Shadyac, a comedy director who created successful films such as Ace Ventura, Patch Adams and Bruce Almighty. He enjoyed fame, success and tremendous wealth. However, once he achieved incredible success, he realized that he still felt unfulfilled. After suffering from post-concussion syndrome after a bicycle accident, he re-evaluated his life and decided to give away his fortune and move from a 17,000 square-foot mansion to a trailer park in Malibu.  He then made a quest to ask the world’s greatest thinkers, What is wrong with our world? And what can we do about it?

I felt drawn to his story instantly as I had experienced the same type of euphoria nearly ten years ago. I was only 23-years old and living independently in San Francisco. I felt a lot of professional accomplishments as a young fitness manager and recent graduate of two Bachelor degrees from a great college. I utilized my lean award-winning, size 0 physigue to garner covers on SF Weekly and Florida Fitness magazine. I was young, fit, independent and making money in a big city.

I felt like this is where I should be in my life at age 23. In fact, I felt ahead of the bell curve. You see, my entire life up to that point was always focused on goal-setting. I started tracking my physical measurements in 7th grade. I began building my savings account in 3rd grade. I started my diary in 4th grade.  By the time I was in 6th grade I was President of my Elementary school,  a published writer and an Oral Language Fair winner.  I always yearned for success, independence, health and confidence. I knew that once I achieved personal, professional and physical victory that I would be truly Happy.

But I wasn’t.

I was far from happy. I felt empty. I felt lonely. I felt like saying, is this it?

If continuously striving for more was what life was about (and what media makes us believe) then I didn’t know how I was going to continue existing without falling deeper into depression. There I was: living a life most people desired and yet I felt like a cop out.

Like Tom, my life circumstances forced me into a new spiritual aptitude. I quit my job. I gained weight. I became Bulimic. I read endlessly. Wrote Constantly. Rode my bike down ocean beach I pondered, I examined and for the first time I felt an extreme sense of love, acceptance and life.

These revelations in turn helped me to design a future that was dictated not by society or parental influence but designed by me. Each day I ask God, How can I be an instrument of your love? How can I utilize my innate talents to be of service to this world? Those questions are what saved me when I was at my deepest despair. Those answers are what brought me to where I am today…

…living close to my parents, operating businesses, establishing a nonprofit, creating three kids and loving a great man. Had I stayed on the path I was going at 23, I don’t know where I would be? I may be working tirelessly in a corporate environment or loving a man who only loved me for superficial reasons.  I most definitely wouldn’t be having three kids or teaching kids how to be healthy.

I probably would have never started this website.

Reflecting on your life and what makes you happy is an important exercise because as simple as it sounds what makes you happy, is available to you free of cost and achieved instantaneously.  It comes from within. It came from within Tom and it came within me

I found happiness through service. I found mental salvation through my service. When people write me undergoing an eating disorder, I always recommend they mentor someone else.because it is in their service, they find themselves and become stronger for the person they lead. So find what is wrong in this world and ask yourself, how can you service it?

We went rollerskating for my nephew’s birthday.

Little Christian looked so cute with his skates.

I absolutely love this picture.

Out and about with my girlfriends and sister.

My little sister Angel!