Having it all.

May 6, 2010

May 5, 2010

I miss being in the hospital.

It’s true. Even when I gave birth the first go-around, I always became nostalgic of the first feelings of giving birth and being in a world where your entire concentration is based around your new baby and your recovery. Because when you leave it’s back to reality.

And my reality is demanding. There are days when I’m literally carrying two crying boys in my arms while unsuccessfully trying to sing a lullaby. Sometimes I am driving while applying my make up at stoplights while talking on the speaker phone and trying to silence Nicholas with a pacifier.  Most often I am at a care home trying to manage a business and creating diversions to distract Christian from making a mess. This morning I was nursing Nicholas in front of my computer while on two calls; my home phone was on my left ear and my cell phone was on my right ear.  It was a hilarious sight to see.

Sometimes I feel guilt for not bonding enough with Nicholas

Sometimes I feel resentment for not feeling appreciated

Sometimes I feel anger for not allowing enough recovery time

And while I have these various moods cycling within me every few days, the biggest emotion I have is the need to persevere. I have over twenty diaries since I was in fourth grade reminding me that regardless of my current situation, this too shall pass. I’ve always been the type of woman who wants it all and will achieve it by having my cake AND eating it too.

I want to have young children and be in great shape.

I want to stay at home and still be a working mom.

I want to make money and own a nonprofit.

But most of all I want to live a passionate life knowing that at the end of each day I gave it my all.

So what if it wipes me out, makes me angry or creates personal frustration.  So what if I’m fatigued daily, yet knowing  when I go to bed, I have to wake up in three hours to feed the baby.

I’m a dreamer and I’m a hard worker. All the success I’ve achieved in my life has stemmed from deep reflection followed by consistent and disciplined action. Life is about grasping it GRABBING it and making things happen.

At the same time life is also about resting, reflecting and rejuvenating. I’ll always miss that hospital room. When there was nothing to do but watch TV, eat and play with my new baby.

But of course I  eventually go crazy after two days!


Journal Pictures May 4, 2010

My precious little man.

I have two sons!

He adores his little brother.

Proud, proud parents.

Hiking in Napa Valley two weeks after giving birth!
This was
technically my first workout in a month!