August 11, 2009

I often wonder when this website will begin to fade

It’s been a long time since I began compiling this site on a simple website tonight’ account on godaddy in 2005. I wasn’t anticipating to write week after week, year after year and even garner a large following sprawling between countries and age groups.  

All I wanted to do was write to let go of this passion inside of me. To openly question the depthness of what makes us who we are

It’s been a journey that I’ve thought about ending. After all, I’ve been so busy with producing pamphlets, ordering
products, writing articles, creating budgets, attending meetings and filing paperwork . my greatest escape is falling asleep each night
cuddling my little son.  These days, it’s as if my mind never seems to be clear enough to write a meaningful sentence.

I guess one of my biggest feelings is the hypocrisy that looms in my heart. I speak about loving passionately, living freely and existing genuinely in a world that sometimes feels empty of such energy.  In my writings and personal adventures, I felt that type of existence when I traveled to distant countries, walked down unpredictable professional routes and chose to love people and things that were challenging yet rewarding.

And while I feel a calming, loving sense of hope and gratitude as I spend each day with my son, I know that my life has changed. Some days I feel present and aware – other days I feel a bored sense of routine and monotony.  There are days when I hope for a
greater future and then there are others when the future seems so volatile and bleak. I know I can be loving, endearing and
affectionate.but most often, I find myself to be closed, pensive and focused.

Sometimes, I don’t know how to exist desiring worldly success, while thriving to enhance my spiritual awareness.

I want to feel more real’ in my daily life and as I reflect myself upon this site.

I have many blessings, but my fault has always been the desire to explore…to progress and to develop a better life. My eyes are so focused on the prize that I lose present awareness of the here and now.’

While writing weekly is a tedious and vulnerable process, it helps me reflect of a life lived

of a person trying

of a daughter who became a mother and now becoming a wife.

This is a journey meant.to get better..and to keep going.

And while I’m never truly satisfied…

I know being self-critical, self-reflective and self-progressive is an important growth aspect of self-awareness.

Life is a journey, and our destination is never final.