July 8, 2010

I know how it feels to want to cry from exhaustion now. There I was: lying in bed with one son on my right, the other squirming on my left and praying that neither would make any noise as to wake the other. After spending the last half hour holding back wearisome tears from a day of spending the entire day with the boys by myself, I can finally spend just a bit of time for me to read emails to write this journal and to get started on a couple writing deadlines.

Being a mother is more than patty-cake and butterfly kisses. For me, it means getting up twice a night to feed Nicholas, cooking Christian’s daily meals, changing ten diapers throughout the day, bathing, singing and lugging both boys in my arms while running errands. When I am away from them during meetings or a quick workout, I can’t explain the internal guilt I have for being away from them for just a couple hours.

I feel I need to make sure Christian is being creative with his toys and not watching mindless television. I feel I need to hold Nicholas and make sure he knows he is nurtured and loved in this new world he entered only 11 weeks ago. Most of all, I feel like every lost moment was an opportunity to capture their kisses, teach them something new or express my unconditional love and encouragement.

I never knew what to expect when I became a mother I just knew that I would make a great one.

Today while I was cooking dinner while Christian was routinely emptying out my pot cabinet, I was watching Dare to Dream, a story about the Women’s U.S. Soccer Team. It was motivational to watch these extraordinary women work, train and triumph to bring women’s soccer to the forefront of the media eye. What I found most intriguing was Joy Fawcett, one of the original soccer players of the U.S. Soccer Team. Joy always knew she wanted a big family and never allowed her professional ambitions and personal desires collide.  After just two weeks of giving birth from her first daughter, she started training for the second Women’s World Cup. The documentary mentioned she would make three comebacks as she would give birth to two additional daughters throughout her soccer career.

There I was, in awe of the accomplishment of the entire women’s team, but most especially Joy, a woman I truly related to.

Yesterday I was training at the gym and a guy looked at me and said, Wow. You are amazing. I know you just had your second child and it looks like you were never pregnant. Last month, during my awards dinner, I was given acknowledgment from my Grantee who gave a present to the person who has been with me everywhere” throughout this tumultuous year…. that present was a Babies-R-Us gift card and that person was Nicholas as I not only carried him in my belly, but brought him everywhere after he was just born.

Motherhood is a great sacrifice but it doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything you are. Sure there are days like today when I feel like my body and mind is being crushed while lying between two little bodies. But then there are days like yesterday when having a strong body was given more value because of the experiences the body went through.

Value is defined by level of sacrifice.and sacrifice determines what something truly means to you.

I’ve always known what I wanted out of this life but the most important thing I’ve wanted, is to make my life valuable.