February 27, 2014
Patience is a virtue but it isn’t my best virtue.
When my husband and I first became pregnant I wanted to purchase a home. After all, creating a residential nest egg was an instinctual desire as a mother. While we were financially capable of purchasing a humble property, we decided instead, to save and invest. Following my parent’s example of attaining the American Dream, we would also live a simple existence – rarely eating out, spending weekends on hiking trails, shopping on clearance racks and buying most of the boys clothes used. As a person who has consistently practiced the universal laws of hard work and discipline, I knew eventually our labor would one day bear fruit.
All money earned went back into investments and in our years maintaining financial discipline I became a business entrepreneur, a freelance writer, a nonprofit founder, a property owner – but not an owner of my primary home.
Renting has its luxuries. There is no commitment. There are no property taxes or insurance. However, there is no security. I’ve been considering moving for some time now, but it was recently made easier with a helpful incentive – and timeline – by our landlord.
After seven years of saving, I will finally settle into my own home. I can paint my walls, plant my garden and upgrade some appliances. I won’t feel limited by my lack of ownership or fearful of future what if’s. While home buying should be an exciting period in my life, due to our constricted timeline, this process has become very stressful.
I’ve been undergoing sleepless nights and stressful days. I can feel the stress hormone, cortisol, inviting fat cells to gather around my belly area and I can sense my effectiveness as a business owner, mother, wife, friend and daughter declining. The oomph in my actions, the spring in my step and the sparkle in my eyes are becoming absent. Even though I don’t want to wake up in the morning, I still get up and begin my cooking and care-taking routine. Even though I don’t want to workout, I consistently train despite my lack of energy. Even though I don’t want to process paperwork, do laundry, cook dinner, run errands, buy groceries or attend meetings – I do it, even though it took ten times more motivation out of me to get it done. I pushed myself to do most everything…
Except write an online journal entry.
At the end of each night, instead of working vigorously until midnight or writing a weekly heart-felt online entry, I’ve chosen to lay in bed and read a book, write in my private diary and pray for positive outcomes. I don’t want to express feelings of frustration and anxiety, after all, it’s never easy to be vulnerable and expose a life moment you hope would move faster so you can reflect on it with positivity and perspective.
Unfortunately – that’s not where I am at. Every day still feels like I’m fighting an emotional sadness that’s trying to overtake my normally positive and perky personality. I want to know what’s next. I want to feel in control. I want to fast forward six months from now and say, “See Maria, it really wasn’t that bad.” But I can’t.
I can only Let Go and Let God.
This stress shouldn’t feel new to me. I’ve dealt with unplanned pregnancies, a stressful business operation and international media backlash. I’ve watched my mother nearly die, traveled alone globally and married an injured veteran. I can do this.
I will do this.
I’ve never played victim in this game of life….and I’m not starting today.
If you want strength, you will endure pain.
If you desire wisdom, you will earn it through experience.
And if you seek Happiness you will only know it if you knew sadness.
There is always purpose behind your pain.
You just need to seek it, wait for it and pray for it.
So I’m waiting. And I’m [hopefully] becoming wiser in this process. God Bless.
My hubby took this shot of me when I decided to awake early and run. I’ve been missing
my 1-2 mile runs on the treadmill as I would rather lay in bed and sleep until the very
last moment that I have to wake up.
I’ve been a consistent guest on News10 every Friday at their 9am hour. My hubby
captured this image while on a cardio machine at the gym (how funny). In this
segment we talked about school spanking, smoking in parks and things that take away your energy.
You can watch it HERE
Here I am at Pac Sat – satellite studio – taping a LIVE HLN segment. Some people think
I see who I’m talking to, I actually just look at a camera and hear someone asking questions
through an earpiece. That takes a lot of talent! You can watch this segment HERE
Read How to overcome 5 Fitness Excuses HERE.