Breathing dark air.

September 19, 2008

September 18, 2008       

It is 5:59am and the sun is getting ready to light up the sky. Thirty minutes before finally opening up my laptop, I was laying in bed wishing the darkest part of the night would last hours longer.

When I am melancholic, nights are the only times I feel hidden, almost protected, in a world of light where I can see all my flaws, fears and failures. I’ve also enjoyed this time of day as it reminds me of when I would wake up my mom for work as a child, watch “Little house on the Prairie” as a teen and train clients as a trainer. It reminds me of all the days I anticipated new days and new beginnings. Even as a child, I recall writing down my schedule down to the minute, right before I went to bed.

In my youth, I’ve always loved feeling I was efficient and in control of my days ….today however, I’m realizing more intimately, how little power I have over this moment and most especially, the future.

Visiting India was an amazing experience. I witnessed extreme levels of poverty mixed with an excessive devotion to religion and superstition. Making up the majority of the Hinduism religion, the Indian people decorated their trucks to ward off evil spirits, prayed to different gods each day and wore a red, threaded string on their wrist symbolizing blessings and love.  Many people lived out of what are called ‘slums’,  several small boxes of living space made up of cement, tin and mud. They revered animals for they were everywhere in the cities except for in their food as they most often consumed a vegetarian diet. India is a place you visit, observe and take in a breath of life, a breath that you inhale knowing that you’ve breathed this humanity all your life.

I took many pictures hoping to capture what I saw, what I will remember and what I ‘think’ I witnessed. After all, what we see and what is real, are most often indifferent to each other. In my life and in my travels, I have observed that the poorest people are not necessarily very unhappy and that the richest people are not always truly content. While I see a poor nation, I also see a nation rich in spirit. While I see a hungry family, I also see a family satiated by their faith. Indian people seem to accept life’s circumstances gracefully, an emotion strengthened by their understanding of karma and that everything happens for an unknown and inexplicable reason.

Aligning that with my life I see how much pictures tell one story, how my words say another, and how my heart will be saying something entirely different.  Right now there is no disguising that I have some heavy thoughts on some fundamental concerns that will alter the path towards my future. Naturally, I feel this way because of the stress, anxiety and worry pregnancy creates. However, as much as I smile and stay optimistic for single life moments…the shadow of what I anticipated out from myself in this life stage always burdens my soul. Thoughts are terrible things to have sometimes, especially when the majority of your day is spent containing them.

At least until night falls – and you can’t see anything but dark air.

As I continue my days, mixed with writing, training, networking and working,  I know for certain, that as every day passes, all chaos begins to ‘settle’ and life’s confusions will make sense. Until then, like the Indian people I left behind, I must have faith in knowing that all things happen for a reason and that this moment is to be seized and not sold to the darkness of depressive thoughts.

God Bless you all.