June 8, 2010
I don’t feel fulfilled.
I feel guilty even uttering those words.
I have two adorable boys, a successful business, a running nonprofit and a loving family and yet I go to sleep each night feeling exhausted, sometimes bored, but most of all.unfulfilled. In the last two years, I feel like a tornado has swept through my life and left me with successful projects, beautiful children, and a life I can’t recognize anymore.
I used to spontaneously travel with my diary in tow writing philosophies, dreams and discoveries when I visited new places and met new people. I used to flirt, have fun and feel beautiful without inhibition. I used to write with passion, vigor and dynamic energy. I used to dream of my future with faith, optimism and excitement.
Now I feel like my life has been occupied. I don’t remember when I have last genuinely smiled, felt sexy or been truly happy. I feel terrible for admitting this; after all, I have a life that most would envy.
But it’s true.
I feel guilty during the short durations when I am not with my kids. Most days I feel busy and somewhat lonely. I am scared of my ambitions, I am scared of taking on new responsibilities and I’m scared of not feeling loved the way I know I need to be loved
It’s disgusting to admit that I am emotionally needy but I am. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always needed a lot of encouragement and support. I need to feel understood and most of all connected and completed.
This is why I probably write with depth or talk with so much encouragement… I say it because I want to hear it. I do it because I need it I write it because I want it…
And while these emotional truths make me feel vulnerable I don’t care.
I have always spoken and written with an open heart and the truth is – is that even though I am a mother, there are days I feel guilty for wanting just a little time alone in the house. Even though I am with a wonderful man there are times when I feel guilty for wondering if we can unconditionally love each other. Even though I have a lot, there are moments when I feel guilty for feeling like it’s not enough.
I am not just speaking my truth I know this to be true for everyone. For even though we have fulfilling lives there sometimes lies a tinge of emptiness.
While emptiness is often deemed bad, I view this familiar unfulfilling feeling as an opportunity for me to fill it’ To find that void and dig deeper into that depression. I don’t feel guilty about realizing these vulnerable feelings, I would feel guiltier if I wasn’t authentic with my life’s truths.
Journal Pictures June 14, 2010
Minji got married on June 12, 2010! She looked absolutely stunning!
Congratulations to Minji and Wayne!
They rode in on a horse and carriage. It was majestic!
This horse was licking my arm – and it surprised me!
With her bridesmaid Denise. I’m not a big fan of weddings but
I reallly loved hers! Food was awesome, weather awesome, theme awesome…
We rarely get evenings to ourselves so it was definitely a treat
to be in Saratoga for their nuptials.
8 weeks post-big-belly-with-baby. Follow my fitness blogs on
www.fitnesscure.com
I loved her centerpieces!
…so much I took one home! LOL
My little munchkin trying to beat the hot Sacramento weather.
Nicholas is now 8 weeks!
Found this picture on my camera when I came back
from the gym tonight. Looks like daddy doesn’t believe in swimwear!