addicted to pain.

February 21, 2006

February 20, 2006

One of the worst things to experience in life is experiencing pain deeper than what any physical element can impact upon you.

Throughout my young existence, while I was raised in a house of love…I wasn’t discriminated from that deeper pain

Recently I’ve noticed that while my target heart rate zone should measure  130-180 beats per minute, when I perform cardio my heart measures over 200 bpm. Yet here I am on the stairmaster, performing at the highest level, hardly fatigued but driving my body under cautious circumstances.

I have encountered people who train their body to superhuman extremes just to combat the pain.

I have befriended peers who participate in dangerous social activities just to distract their anger and sadness.

I have looked at my reflection, every year of my life and tried to build an outer shell of someone I wanted to become: confident, secure, happy and content….just to hide my childhood fears of allowing the spiritual anger that haunted my youth to consume me.

Recently I realized that I have become addicted to pain.

So addicted that I don’t even know when I’m physically exhausted. There is a deeper energy that pushes me to excel… an energy not rooted in just love, but also an energy rooted in the paradox of hate.

Hate and Love are two words that could not exist without the other.  Life is finding equilibrium between these two extreme natures. These natures have been rooted inside my heart from my early childhood and all still exist today in the form of compassion, sadness and guilt.

As a result from living in constant disappointments and emotional inconsistencies, my body and mind adapted and adjusted to my unhealthy internal and external environment. Without realization, I unconsciously continued to maintain this ‘hormonal and chemical imbalance’ by accepting ‘pain’ as an ongoing event in my life.

As a child, your heart is open to the environment you are raised within. Whatever bodily anguish or insecurities my mother felt I absorbed. Whatever resentment and anger my father projected I consumed. Whatever fear or anxiety my siblings experienced I ingested. As a young child, with an open heart, you allow things to attack you and without notice – your body, mind and spirit becomes occupied by forces greater than you. It takes a strong spirit to withstand the unruly, unstable and unforgiving nature of a beautiful yet broken childhood and I admittedly stand strong today because of my will and passion to live. Live with the belief that ‘something more’ existed past the occurrences of things I continuously experienced.

I’m not a good liar. I never have been. And I can’t write this entry trying to hide the somber energy that is causing me to complete this weekly journal. Nothing is more painful than allowing a negative source penetrate your soul. While visible scars heal in due time the internal scars remains fervent and withstanding.

In over-training, I realize that sometimes the internal pain takes over to such an extent, that you don’t notice when your body is physically in pain because there is a more dominant intrinsic pain succumbing your heart, your mind and your soul.

This next week I am going to focus on tracking my body’s response to pain I’m not going to perform very intense cardio, lift heavy weights, or eat too much or too little

For whatever the pain, whatever the emptiness, whatever the void I feel right now can not and will not be healed by any other physical source than the source found from within.

Happy Presidents Day.