my confessions

July 18, 2007

July 16, 2007

I had a crazy, busy weekend which included a soccer game, a comedy show, an AIDS walk and quality time spent with very special people.

Today I am feeling melancholy. That is honestly the best word I could find to manifest how I feel right now. These last couple years of public entries have been an interesting adventure

While I talk about events and feelings, I rarely expound on my private life. Over the years, in personal conversations, many have questioned what motivated my deep hearted entries about what internally creates passion or pain for me.

In the last few years since beginning this site, I privately yet publicly battled and overcame an eating disorder, attained and quit my dream job, began and ended romantic relationships, planned and finished my goals to internationally travel, publish articles and attain a spiritual understanding of what life, people, places and most of all, love, mean to me.

I typically evaluate my life patterns by dissecting concealed emotions which create the motivation to manifest a physical action and therefore produce a life result. Each week I reflect upon life results and carefully review what I experienced, why I experienced it – and how both added to my internal nature which caused the fruition of my current, external environment.

Right now my internal environment is nostalgic and reflective from the moments of this past weekend. My recent experiences are leading me to discuss the importance of self introspection, life reflection and prophetic inspection.

When I described my insecurities in Nature’s Answers, I had purged 4 times the day before and slept underneath the open sky because my body was not handling the hot thermic effect the food created in my digestive system.

When I exposed my vulnerability in “Addicted to Pain,” I was crying with a scar on my face from a physical fight I had with a person who was drug influenced and very close to me.

When I admitted my sadness in ”Emotional Exhaustion,” I had broken up with Louis and decided after a single day to make a transition back to my roots in Sacramento.

When I expressed my values in “Free Will,” I was dealing with office politics and personal discrimination in an unappreciative and unfulfilling work environment.

When I stated my convictions in “a simple truth,” I had sat in my vice presidents office announcing my employment resignation and need to seek a place of growth.

Today, as I finish another expose of what thoughts, feelings and emotions drove me to complete this entry – know that all entries have been about me and how I interact with a person, place or thing. All of myself is formed when I start playing with the world around me. I start learning, thinking, examining and writing because I allow a person, a boyfriend, a job, an addiction…to absorb me at some minute level. It is in this playground where I find more of myself and am able to develop my spiritual center – a center that constantly re-discovers it strength when external events challenges it.

My need to be so self reflected today is in exact proportion to my past need to live fully in the fleeting moments of this past weekend. It is in these humbling moments when you realize that life changes, time never stops, moments constantly pass and people are like presents in your life’s journey.
Have a blessed week and live each moment 

Journal Pictures: July 17, 2007

I found these old letters from Junior Highschool in the back of my car the other day! It was
crazy to read! Looking back at past remnants always reminds you of what
you’ve done and who you’ve become. What a surprise indeed!!

AIDS walk 2007 – as usual I detested the last hour of the walk but was happy I did it at the end!!

Check out MMSF’s August Issue!

On page 34, you can find my travel tips! Look! That’s US on the LEFT!!!!!