August 21, 2005
So if you guys have been reading my journals and website thoroughly these past few weeks or months, then you’re probably wondering how the heck I came to be the way I am…While my bio lists my accomplishments, what I would like to share with you now, is what people tend to not list: and that’s their failures.
High school was very difficult for me. My 2nd week there I was confronted by a group of girls I didn’t know, who threw orange juice at me. So to help me stay positive, on my binder in High school I posted quotes that I read each day to guide me during a period in my life when I felt tortured internally and attacked physically. Some of the quotes read: ‘Problems are an inevitable part of life…and that time is the best counselor.’ I also fervently lived by the quote: “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.”
In this journal entry, my hope in sharing my personal story is that all of you will see that in order to stand firmly for something: you have to be hit by hard challenges so that you may develop a character that is unwavering, confident and strong.
I grew up pretending to be the ‘little mommy’ at a young age…and craved responsibility and control maybe too early. I lost a lot of my childhood trying to be an adult too soon. In school, I was never the most popular, the most prettiest, the most athletic, the most intelligent person…I was just a very insecure girl who didn’t understand why I couldn’t be or wasn’t any of those things. I was bullied, I was intimidated, I was harassed and I was scared…I feared death, leaving my family, competing, traveling, being alone and most importantly, I feared FEAR.
During my years of trying to overcome my internal challenges, I began developing my personal philosophies on life: I realized that you can’t develop Courage unless you’ve experienced Fear. You can’t recognize Love unless you’ve recognized Hate. You can’t perceive Achievement unless you have perceived Failure.
I’ve struggled with my negative perception of myself since I was young…and I still battle to stay positive today. This proves that you can win a thousand beauty pageants, earn a million awards and be adored by tons of people….and still feel insecure, scared and alone. After I moved to San Francisco two years ago, I felt like I had lost my identity: I was no longer a student, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a trainer, a beauty queen, a friend…because I had no one on a daily basis to relate myself to. While I continued great progress in my profession in the Fitness Industry, I was also still trying to ‘control’ my negative psyche somehow…and that’s when I developed an eating disorder.
Today I am doing much better…. Each day in fact, is a day closer to a more complete recovery. Every time I think of something negative, I start counting my blessings. Learning to live each day with more gratitude has been the best anecdote to a personal disease I created in my mind.