My unblemished, toned and picture-perfect midsection, is now scarred with a stoma protruding outside my skin and a large, dark seemingly permanent circle where the adhesive to my colostomy bag sticks. Daily, the skin around my stoma is itchy and inflamed. I use a heating pad to relieve lower back cramps, supposedly from where the tumor sits and where I’m experiencing pelvic adenopathy. A few days ago I arrived home unwell at 2pm and slept my way off and on until 10am the following morning. I don’t train as often. I’m in bed early. I am not building anything, doing anything or trying to be anything, anymore.
It’s like existing in the twilight zone.
The other day I took the boys to the lake on their last day of summer. Prior to this excursion, however, I had to do an MRI. I asked my son, who was so kind to come with me, to hold my rings. We hurriedly picked up my nephew and made it the lake, where I discovered one of my paddleboards had a hole in it. I’ve been lending my boards out a lot and had not gone on the water all summer. I was disappointed but, I let it go. As I was getting situated with my dog I noticed my favorite and most expensive sunglasses went missing. I silently expressed gratitude for the months I enjoyed them as I usually lose glasses, which is why I don’t usually purchase pricey eye wear. Then, as the boys horsed around on their boards they lost (another) paddle. I felt like I was being tested.
Until I asked my son for the rings I let him hold. And he couldn’t find them.
Suddenly, the straw broke this camel’s back. I didn’t know how to feel or how much the world could take from me without absolutely losing my sh*t. One of the rings was decorated in small diamonds and designed with hearts, gifted by my aunt as a symbol of her love and remembrance of my mother when I was undergoing a challenging time after her death.
I cried driving home.
This entire time, I felt so victim to my circumstances. My mind got another invite to “Maria’s pity party” a reality of undergoing Stage 4 cancer without the comfort and confidence of my mother’s care or the supportive love of a husband. I recall distinctly sitting in a hospital parking lot, having gone to another doctor’s appointment alone, in fear of potential spread and wishing I could teleport out of this life. I was tired of it all – tired of caring for everyone and everything sucking the life energy out of my body daily.
When we arrived home, the boys emptied the trunk, finished their chores, prepared for their first day of school and lovingly kissed me goodnight. When my son expressed regret and sadness for losing my jewelry I held him and said, “I love you. We all have things we need to work on and you’ve always had a tendency to be a bit careless about things you own. I don’t want this experience and the loss of my rings to be in vain. There is a lesson here and I hope you have more reverence for the things you have and the things you hold onto that are not yours. If you can promise me you will have more reverence for everything, I can reconcile my loss knowing it helped you gain awareness.”
Every experience exists to teach us who we are. It was important for them to see me in a vulnerable state of sadness. We need to see and feel how we effect others and how others effect us. When we feel, we become alive to our humanity. There were points when I noticed I started detesting people commenting, “you’re so strong!”, “you’re a badass”, “if anyone can beat this, you can” because I have felt weak, emotional, fatigued, lost, sad, hurt and frustrated these last ten months since the initial diagnosis. I’m tired of the story.
So, I’m changing it.
This cancer experience won’t be in vain. My mother’s life and passing won’t be in vain. My own pain, won’t be in vain. There is a reason why we endure things, and it didn’t come by accident. Nothing in this world came into fruition by accident. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened. As you wish.
Your intention is your guide. My entire life, I have asked God for strength – and so it is. I’m having the hardest workout of my life right now…
When I awake each day and am still here, I know I am stronger from yesterday’s struggles and can live to survive and thrive through another day. Who we are is reflection and a balance of what we believe ourselves to be and what others believe us to be. I’m grateful for the encouragement of strong people who see the same strength in me.
I called the hospital and asked if they found anything in lost and found – and they located the rings.
God is always good.
12 Comments
Losing is gaining. God empties us with a lot, He empties me with so much that I can’t remember if my things are lost, broken, or stolen. As I grew my relationship with God, I understood that my life’s true essence is for this moment only- for His. Whatever I have can be gone at any moment. I know that in this world we work for what we want, but God gives us what we truly need. I know now the difference. He provides so we can live.
Holding on to things in this world may seem abundant to others but it doesn’t give room for God’s providence.
He uses every opportunity so we can be closer to Him, He knows us so well that He gives it exactly to us enough to lose our bearing so we can let go of the holds and lose this worldly life.
I know when I met you in person and had that talk in the car, God was with us. I’ll join you in your pity party anytime as I join you on the days that we both realize how much we lost and celebrate our heavenly gains.
Love.
Yes. It’s incredible how much internal abundance we have when we lose the ‘value’ of external objects. I loved talking to you.
Every time I read your writings these days I conclude feeling sad, feeling hopeful, feeling inspired, and a myriad of other emotions. I just want to give you hug. And even though I know really nothing about you, you have an effect on my soul. I’ve only recently found my way back to Christ and I pray for you and your family every night. I do know that whatever happens it will be Gods will but I just hope he’ll grant my prayer on this one. All my best MK 🙏
Michael, thank you so much for your prayers. I appreciate positive thoughts and energy more than you know.
Through Jesus’s stripes you are healed. I pray the blood of Jesus over you and that a hedge of protection cover you and your family from the top of your heads to the soles of your feet…blessings 🙏✝️
Thank you!!!!!
Oh wow…I would’ve lost my sh*t too, and much earlier. As always, I’m impressed by your writing and your positive outlook in so many things that can and does go wrong. I’ve always admired that about you, and don’t know how you’re able to do it! It’s okay that you’re not always “strong”—you gotta just feel the pain and be pissed off sometimes.
I’m glad you found your rings! And I love the lesson you instilled in your son.
Big hug to you!!!
Thank you. I was definitely pissed off and did not hold back the tears. I’m grateful I didn’t say anything very regretful, which usually happens when one is extremely emotional.
Sending you love and peace and healing!!!
Thank you so much
How are you doing Maria? Hope you are well.
As I read this I know why I waited. Because I was suppose to read it today. I’ve had your blog up in my safari with so many other internet pages. I was unable to read it at the time, as I have so many distractions in my life. I saved it because I wanted to come back and read your update. You have always been so inspiring to me. Your story has always resonated with me as a busy mom of 4. I am going thru my own trials and tend to have my own pity party. All the why me’s? What did I do to deserve this? I have always given my whole self to others just longing to be cared for. Seeing your strength and endurance and vulnerability has always made me feel like I’m not alone. I am truly sorry for all you’ve been through. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. As you share the trials you have gone thru, I think of the book of Job, you mentioned you felt like you are being tested. The humility you demonstrate is not unnoticed by God. I sense God working thru you especially in these moments to teach not only your children God’s will for them and how they are to grow, but He gave you this platform to reach so many others. It is inspiring that during these disappointments you still manage to reframe and look at it from a learning perspective. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and your lessons. This humility and faith is what I’m trying to achieve in my own heartbreak and disappointments. I know it’s exhausting and lonely, but keep your faith in God and He will get you through this. God Bless you Maria!