My unblemished, toned and picture-perfect midsection, is now scarred with a stoma protruding outside my skin and a large, dark seemingly permanent circle where the adhesive to my colostomy bag sticks. Daily, the skin around my stoma is itchy and inflamed.  I use a heating pad to relieve lower back cramps, supposedly from where the tumor sits and where I’m experiencing pelvic adenopathy. A few days ago I arrived home unwell at 2pm and slept my way off and on until 10am the following morning. I don’t train as often. I’m in bed early. I am not building anything, doing anything or trying to be anything, anymore.

It’s like existing in the twilight zone.

The other day I took the boys to the lake on their last day of summer. Prior to this excursion, however, I had to do an MRI. I asked my son, who was so kind to come with me, to hold my rings. We hurriedly picked up my nephew and made it the lake, where I discovered one of my paddleboards had a hole in it. I’ve been lending my boards out a lot and had not gone on the water all summer. I was disappointed but, I let it go. As I was getting situated with my dog I noticed my favorite and most expensive sunglasses went missing. I silently expressed gratitude for the months I enjoyed them as I usually lose glasses, which is why I don’t usually purchase pricey eye wear. Then, as the boys horsed around on their boards they lost (another) paddle. I felt like I was being tested.

Until I asked my son for the rings I let him hold. And he couldn’t find them.

Suddenly, the straw broke this camel’s back. I didn’t know how to feel or how much the world could take from me without absolutely losing my sh*t. One of the rings was decorated in small diamonds and designed with hearts, gifted by my aunt as a symbol of her love and remembrance of my mother when I was undergoing a challenging time after her death.

I cried driving home.

This entire time, I felt so victim to my circumstances. My mind got another invite to “Maria’s pity party” a reality of undergoing Stage 4 cancer without the comfort and confidence of my mother’s care or the supportive love of a husband. I recall distinctly sitting in a hospital parking lot, having gone to another doctor’s appointment alone, in fear of potential spread and wishing I could teleport out of this life. I was tired of it all – tired of caring for everyone and everything sucking the life energy out of my body daily.

When we arrived home, the boys emptied the trunk, finished their chores, prepared for their first day of school and lovingly kissed me goodnight. When my son expressed regret and sadness for losing my jewelry I held him and said, “I love you. We all have things we need to work on and you’ve always had a tendency to be a bit careless about things you own. I don’t want this experience and the loss of my rings to be in vain. There is a lesson here and I hope you have more reverence for the things you have and the things you hold onto that are not yours. If you can promise me you will have more reverence for everything, I can reconcile my loss knowing it helped you gain awareness.”

Every experience exists to teach us who we are. It was important for them to see me in a vulnerable state of sadness. We need to see and feel how we effect others and how others effect us. When we feel, we become alive to our humanity. There were points when I noticed I started detesting people commenting, “you’re so strong!”, “you’re a badass”, “if anyone can beat this, you can” because I have felt weak, emotional, fatigued, lost, sad, hurt and frustrated these last ten months since the initial diagnosis. I’m tired of the story.

So, I’m changing it.

This cancer experience won’t be in vain. My mother’s life and passing won’t be in vain. My own pain, won’t be in vain. There is a reason why we endure things, and it didn’t come by accident. Nothing in this world came into fruition by accident. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened. As you wish.

Your intention is your guide. My entire life, I have asked God for strength – and so it is. I’m having the hardest workout of my life right now…

When I awake each day and am still here, I know I am stronger from yesterday’s struggles and can live to survive and thrive through another day. Who we are is reflection and a balance of what we believe ourselves to be and what others believe us to be. I’m grateful for the encouragement of strong people who see the same strength in me.

I called the hospital and asked if they found anything in lost and found – and they located the rings.

God is always good.