I had my tumor removal surgery on December 20, 2024. It was all quite surreal. It was a typical Friday, I prepped my belongings after dropping the kids to school. My dad arrived at 10am and we drove solemnly to the hospital where we met my sister, niece and nephew. I recall leaning over from pain during check-in and laying in a hospital bed as I signed release waivers of three surgeons. As they wheeled me away and into the operation room I was hopeful, excited, anxious and open – I’ve been ready for whatever God had planned for me – my entire life.

I didn’t know if I’d wake up.  But I did.

After an 8hr surgery, my sister told me they removed more than expected, including my tumor, a foot of colon, uterus, ovary, fallopian tubes, appendix, cervix and multiple lymph nodes. They reversed my colostomy, removed my chest port and placed a new ileostomy.

I was in and out of delirium, weak, pale and needed two blood transfusions for two days following as my hemoglobin was 5.4 (normal is 12-15). One of those evenings I thought I shook death’s hand. My blood pressure was alarmingly low, measuring 86/22 and therefore couldn’t take pain medications. I was discharging bloody urine and nervous of internally bleeding, a common occurrence with my blood clotting disorder. After my numbers stabilized, I was given a PCA, a self-administering button I could hit every 20 mins for IV narcotics. I was in so much pain that evening, I hit that button 56 times over the course of the night but was only given 13 doses.

Friends visited me. Three days after surgery, Brian helped me stand and walk for the first time. Besides removing half my insides, I had a catheter, an abdominal drain and 25 staples running down my midline. Walking was a milestone. Every moment after that felt equally herculean. I will remember the comfort of personally engaging with my nurses and enjoying employees who took breaks in my hospital room just to sit and talk. I will remember the joy of being around girlfriends and laughing so hard it hurt so much, almost as if my staples would come undone. I will remember the sadness of crying on Christmas because the night prior I felt alone, vulnerable and spiritually attacked by someone I once shared an important bond with.

When I was finally discharged, I continued undergoing physical and emotional pain. I was shocked by the betrayals I felt in my heart, but also not surprised as every person has a pattern within them. The very first morning at home I remember crying the biggest cry of my life. I was undergoing deep, debilitating, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain. Never had I felt pain so significant.

I knew what created the cancer and (now) what was feeding it.  I was sitting in a toxic environment, a place where I once gave people false confidence, fake titles and extremely flawed people – access to me. I befriended the dark because that’s how I coped playing in it as a child. I made figures out of shadows and met the same man with familiar vibrations wearing different masks throughout my life. I kept trying to fit circles into square pegs and believing this type of force, was love. I denied realities by overcompensating everywhere and anything, just so my ‘perfect world’ wouldn’t fall apart. And yet, it did. Every time I grieved a tower crumbling, another tower, another lie, another betrayal, another illusion, fell hard onto the cold pavement. The disintegration of a fictitious reality I created, was my responsibility to heal.

I redefined love, and therefore divine marriage. I revalued connection, and therefore true relationships. I reconsidered work, and therefore life purpose. I released everything unreal and kept re-birthing a stronger life foundation.  

I died a million deaths to be the woman who woke up today.

As I cried in the arms of my 20yr old Godson, all of a sudden a light fell over my body. I had a radical awakening, an intense reckoning of one’s soul…I saw the devil in disguise, how it inhabits low vibrational bodies and deceives through fear, pride, anger, lust and envy. I saw how it cursed bloodlines, infiltrates vessels, attacks human cells, posts anonymously and enters rooms like air. As soon as I saw it, it left…just as light removes all darkness and as love overcomes all fear. A fog lifted and everything became clear. In that nano-second, I forgave everyone and everything, including and most importantly the person who chose to stay asleep despite multiple wake up calls….myself.

I saw the purpose behind the pain people inflict and gave it gratitude. We all create a life movie and someone needed to play the part of Joker – or even Robin or Catwoman – just so we can play Batman. And so it is.

“Good” and “Evil” is just a volleying of power. This game is a test to our strength and a testament to our becoming. The energies we attract, match our abilities so we can play. The deeper you go, the higher I go. The higher you go, the deeper I got. You can’t play alone as there isn’t growth without resistance. We are all projecting who we are, onto someone else for I am to them, who they are to me.

When the movie is done, when the book ends and the game is over, we just take off our masks, close the chapter or if we didn’t learn the lesson, play again.

After my breakdown and simultaneous breakthrough, I stumbled upon an unread message my surgeon sent me two days prior on Christmas Day. The pathology report came back, she said. They successfully removed the tumor and additional lymph nodes containing cancer — all out with negative margins. Dr. Roesler ended, “I hope this brings you some peace today, you deserve it.”

As I sit here humbled with a weakened body frame, permanent scars and thin hair after battling and beating Stage 4 colon cancer, I can honestly say I don’t give a sh*t if I win anymore. I just want to authentically live knowing I had a lot of fun being alive.

Thank you God for another opportunity to keep playing. It’s Halftime now.