November 4, 2009
I don’t take un-planned events well.In truth, I’m the type of person who hates dishes in the sink, messy beds, dirty laundry, full trash bins and cars with gas tanks close to empty. Those things are probably on the top of my list..I haven’t even gotten to the rest.
Yesterday was one of those’ days. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep next to Christian around 7:30pm and didn’t wake up until 6am the next morning. Today I was unmotivated to complete the list of 20 things I had planned to accomplish since we are leaving town tomorrow. In fact, when I become too overwhelmed, I do what I always do: I lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. I stare at the wall. I play with my phone. I nap. Sometimes I read. But most of the time I just lay there and think.
I think about my list. And then I think about the unforeseen ending of it. I was telling one of my mom’s in the Mom-ME! Fit Club’ that I feel more exhausted being pregnant this time around. And then I realized, I’m not really more exhausted, I just have an active son,three different jobs and a household to operate. It’s not the pregnancy making me exhausted, it’s my life that’s exhausting and yet, I don’t know how to slow it down.
One of the most annoying things David says to me when I’m dealing with an unanticipated issue is to: Go with the Flow. When I hear those words my heart rate quickens, my head gets warmer and my face makes this weird, squinting, annoyed expression. I’ve always been apt to calculate future events with fine tune precision that’s what I usually do when I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I’m thinking, planning, forecasting and calculating. Most of the time, things go my way sometimes it doesn’t and when you’re partnered with other people: whether that be a spouse, a coworker, a child or employee, the probability that things go un-planned increase.
While at my doctor’s appointment today I was told that the risk of my already-high-risk pregnancy’ just increased due to some concern regarding the blood transfusions I was given after giving birth to Christian. It’s upsetting and daunting at the same time.
As I laid in bed AGAIN, after the appointment, I continued to think as I usually do, but this time I started to cry. I’m scared of what the doctor told us today. I’m scared of going through labor again. As I lay there with my face buried in a pillow, all I could think about were the possibilities
As much as I try to control my life life is not something you control. It’s something you flow with. Like water down a river’s stream you flow, you adjust and you keep moving.
After thinking, conversing with David, then having him say: go with the flow again, I finally decided to get up, fold laundry, clean dishes,take a shower and finish this journal entry.
Maybe you can’t control life but I have found that a cleaner space (and maybe a temporary map) makes life a little easier to navigate through.
Journal Pictures: November 2, 2009
Meet the Rubbles! Barney, Betty and Bamm Bamm!!!
Originally I had purchased all our costumes online –
but hated them and sent them back! We ended up creating
all our costumes ourselves!
Sarah is 7 months pregnant and I’m 4 months!
I love my family! I can’t wait to add another cousin soon!
The Halloween party was so much fun! We set
up a haunted house in the garage, had games, a bounce house
and a pinata!
There was definitely too much sugar!
Yvonne, Silvia, me and Ana! Love these women!