When my mother died, she opened a portal in me. It felt like I followed her into the dark, seeking spiritual truths and recreating a life that was authentically my own. Ever since I was little, I cried in her absence. I held onto her car tires when she dropped me to preschool. I would hide under her work desk because I wouldn’t let go of her leg at drop off. I feared her leaving decades before she finally left.…
On September 18th, as I was meditating, I heard the words, “Your tumor is shrinking.” While I was mildly nauseous from having completed one chemo cycle, I understood immediately that the spiritual shifts I underwent prior to my treatment was healing my body. The night prior to my first infusion I was angry. I was highly anxious as I didn’t receive a care plan from my medical team and wasn’t told what I was being infused with, how many cycles…
Weeks following my last doctor’s appointment, I underwent deep, emotional, debilitating pain that traveled throughout my head, heart and body. As much as I tried to combat the emotions filtering through me, I could no longer control the weather of my internal world. It felt like thunderstorms rained down on my hopes, earthquakes were splitting my confidence, tornadoes were chaotically lifting my stability and fire was burning down whatever was left of my ego. I began drowning in my disease.…
Let me set the stage for you… It is 2022. I start emailing my doctor about re-occurring health issues. In June I notice extreme dryness around my lips, followed by full blown eczema on my face, chronic fatigue, and rectal bleeding. I request blood work and am told to take iron pills and stool softeners for hemorrhoids. A couple months later I receive an email from Kaiser, a health plan I’ve had since I was born, that my premiums have…
My unblemished, toned and picture-perfect midsection, is now scarred with a stoma protruding outside my skin and a large, dark seemingly permanent circle where the adhesive to my colostomy bag sticks. Daily, the skin around my stoma is itchy and inflamed. I use a heating pad to relieve lower back cramps, supposedly from where the tumor sits and where I’m experiencing pelvic adenopathy. A few days ago I arrived home unwell at 2pm and slept my way off and on…
“I don’t want to hate this person.” I cried to Brian on a random Tuesday. The day was like any day. I woke early to drop my son to a volunteer program, worked out, went to facilities, assisted a resident at her appointment, ran errands, dropped by a shooting range (where Brian and the boys were) and was scheduled to do an IV treatment followed by dinner with friends. It should’ve flowed productively as my abundant days usually do…with lots…
There were moments in my life when I’ve had very hard conversations with people. It’s the kind when you say something you know to be your truth knowing it won’t be received well, but once it’s released from your soul – you are free of it. You are not free because you released the truth...you are free because you're released from the lie you've been living.
I felt that conviction countless times in my life.
I am not the same person who was diagnosed eight months ago. When being told you have Stage IV cancer, it’s not something you process in one day. You notice everything. You see everything. You feel everything. So much that mattered before, doesn’t matter now. All the worldly ambitions, societal expectations and keeping up with whatever - means nothing.
I’ve asked ‘what is the meaning of life” almost every day since I was a…
A couple weeks after the cancer diagnosis, I was on a plane to Costa Rica for an Ayahuasca journey I scheduled months beforehand. Originally, I booked this trip to support a friend and felt called to sit with this South America psychoactive brew, a plant medicine indigenous cultures historically used for spiritual ceremonies. Many were (and weren’t) surprised I was committed to attending despite the recent upheavals in my world. I had a divine date after all, me and Mr.…