Let me set the stage for you… It is 2022. I start emailing my doctor about re-occurring health issues. In June I notice extreme dryness around my lips, followed by full blown eczema on my face, chronic fatigue, and rectal bleeding. I request blood work and am told to take iron pills and stool softeners for hemorrhoids. A couple months later I receive an email from Kaiser, a health plan I’ve had since I was born, that my premiums have…
My unblemished, toned and picture-perfect midsection, is now scarred with a stoma protruding outside my skin and a large, dark seemingly permanent circle where the adhesive to my colostomy bag sticks. Daily, the skin around my stoma is itchy and inflamed. I use a heating pad to relieve lower back cramps, supposedly from where the tumor sits and where I’m experiencing pelvic adenopathy. A few days ago I arrived home unwell at 2pm and slept my way off and on…
I’ve been taking a break from life since my breakthrough a week ago. When I get nervous texts and messages inquiring where I am, I hilariously respond, “I’m on my couch bingeing ‘Suits’ on Netflix.” My life has the same workload, I just boundary up, compartmentalize and resist the urge to multi-task, over-schedule and bleed every drop out of each day. I just want to be present. I don’t often keep my phone close, so it was shocking on Sunday…
“I don’t want to hate this person.” I cried to Brian on a random Tuesday. The day was like any day. I woke early to drop my son to a volunteer program, worked out, went to facilities, assisted a resident at her appointment, ran errands, dropped by a shooting range (where Brian and the boys were) and was scheduled to do an IV treatment followed by dinner with friends. It should’ve flowed productively as my abundant days usually do…with lots…
There were moments in my life when I’ve had very hard conversations with people. It’s the kind when you say something you know to be your truth knowing it won’t be received well, but once it’s released from your soul – you are free of it. You are not free because you released the truth...you are free because you're released from the lie you've been living.
I felt that conviction countless times in my life.
I am not the same person who was diagnosed eight months ago. When being told you have Stage IV cancer, it’s not something you process in one day. You notice everything. You see everything. You feel everything. So much that mattered before, doesn’t matter now. All the worldly ambitions, societal expectations and keeping up with whatever - means nothing.
I’ve asked ‘what is the meaning of life” almost every day since I was a…
A couple weeks after the cancer diagnosis, I was on a plane to Costa Rica for an Ayahuasca journey I scheduled months beforehand. Originally, I booked this trip to support a friend and felt called to sit with this South America psychoactive brew, a plant medicine indigenous cultures historically used for spiritual ceremonies. Many were (and weren’t) surprised I was committed to attending despite the recent upheavals in my world. I had a divine date after all, me and Mr.…
Last Friday I woke up at 4am to a gnawing pain in my lower abdomen. I’ve underwent a lot of tummy pain recently and just had a colonoscopy for low iron and internal bleeding. A week prior I complained of pain to my sister – who is also a nurse – and she frustratingly asked, “What would it take for you to finally go to the ER?” I stubbornly responded, “if I could no longer breathe.” As I laid in…
I remember sitting across from my mother and her friend at lunch exactly seven years ago in a state of bliss. Despite what had erupted the past year in my marriage, I had a deep seeded knowing that I was supposed to persevere. I recall them looking at me in awe and a little annoyance, as my glossy eyes and confident energy exclaimed that while David and I were undergoing an extremely dark period, our life chapter wasn’t over, yet.…