As many know, I’ve openly shared our struggles when we separated a couple years ago. Today we are stronger because of that struggle. The open letter below was posted by my husband, David Casler, while I was away on a business trip earlier this year. Thank you honey for posting this…
We have so many pictures around the house. It’s interesting how when you have kids and life starts to pass, old pictures are superseded by new ones. The memories are hidden away behind other memories.
A few days ago I actually stopped and looked at the many rows of pictures on our massive side table and when I looked farther back I saw this photo. I had forgotten it, tucked behind other rows of our children. I had not forgotten the day. The day we went out and took engagement photos. I don’t know where the kids were as we had already had two out of “wedlock” lol.
When I saw it, all I saw were the two young, determined loves. At that moment we had already been through so much, and had much more to go through.
Maria once asked me if I believe in soul mates? I do not. I believe that two people have to desire each other and that desire is a constant struggle and constant redefining of each others want, passion and willingness to be with the other.
It’s easy to understand when people grow apart because humans are not the sum of what they are in this very moment. They are always trying to hopefully grow and be better, love more in new and exciting ways and not get cynical. It’s definitely work, no way around it.
As humans we fall short of this work, for many reasons. Ego, pride, stupidity and a handful of other personal faults.
When I see this picture, I see an amazing, beautiful woman looking through me, confident and powerful. I see the boy that I am looking back with a level of fear, wondering if she loves me with all her heart as I contemplate, fearfully, being able to be all that she needs?
The insecurities of “Does she love me as much as I love her?”
Through our deep conversations and our path through life, I know she does. We all have our own ways of showing it and understanding how to SEE is the key to FEELING the love from the other person. It’s sometimes not the love language we are fluent with but the counterbalance that we need.
I’m a poet and a very emotional writer. I don’t write unless I feel it. The last few birthdays, mothers day, valentines, while we celebrated, I know Maria was waiting for me to write something and I like to write at the end of the day when I have taken it all in. It’s my process. If I write to just write in the morning before she wakes up…..I feel its a shadow of what feelings there are to develop. Most of the time she will catch me mid day and call me out that I have not written anything and that always makes me feel because she said something that IF I now write something, that it’s only because I was was reminded. So I don’t. The last thing I want is my feelings to be seen as insincere.
So, Maria, while you are away in San Diego and I have time to sit and reflect. While the kids are busy watching cartoons because it’s raining (don’t worry, I will make sure they do homework and read and I will do math with them as always when I put them to bed) ……..I love you.
I love your passion and envy your drive to help others in the face of backlash and adversity. I don’t love your audaciousness but I respect it 🙂
I love the way you love me through everything and when you find it hard to love me, you draw on your faith in God and find the ability to try and see the best in me and by doing that, help us through our bright and dark days.
I am finding the love of myself within you as I struggle to be more than “David Kang” while realizing my personal growth is not within me, it’s beside you. If that makes sense? Like, I don’t need to grow a-part from you, I need to grow with you and constantly rediscover and hope we both grow and refuse to be the same people we were when we took this photo, however a happy moment it was. (There is much more to come.)
Jokingly, you look the same as the young woman I asked to marry me and I have more grey hairs, which I attribute to you.
Part of my journey with you, is loving each grey I get. Each one is a day I can’t go back in time. It resonates with me to not fear but embrace the future. They are your greys and I hope every day of our lives you always look at the passing days and growing greys as a symphony of my dedication to you. It’s metaphorically the most beautiful thought I have ever had.
We have been together over 10 years. I love you most because growing with someone is not easy…..but easy is not what we signed up for. We signed up for amazing!
Always your rock,
PS. You can postpone your grey hairs, I can wait, no rush! But when they do come in, and they will……I will love you even more.