Oct 2, 2016
Months ago I separated from my husband.
Every day since, my moods have been volatile, colorful and constantly changing. I’m either up or down, angry or ok, upset or calm, tearful or solemn. Like my life this past year, I feel like I’m just trying to stay above water, trying to hold things together while breaking slowly apart.
In these last several months, I began to wail – a deep, weeping cry that travels deep into one’s soul. I remember swimming far out into the ocean in Mexico, and wailing while my stepdaughters swam farther behind. I remember running up the hills in Hawaii, and wailing after every 4 blocks. I have laid in bed staring at the wall hours on end, replaying tragic events, reciting broken vows and revisiting every action that led to this single moment…
I don’t know what to do.
And yet I do.
I know that I have lifetime goals I want to complete, all that encompasses my family, my faith and my community. I know that I have strong convictions, all unwavering values that must align with someone who shares the same priorities and beliefs as me. I know that I am a beautiful, strong, hard-working, passionate and committed woman, worthy characteristics of any virtuous wife.
And yet for a long time, I didn’t feel good enough.
For a long time, subconsciously, I didn’t feel good enough or understand why I felt so disconnected in my marriage. I felt invisible. I felt like my hurt, didn’t hurt him. I felt like his eyes were no longer seeing deeply into mine. I felt unbeautiful.
I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I needed to find me again. Between the piles of laundry, the endless errands and nonstop to-do list, I want to start brushing my hair, wearing something nice or spend a weekend spontaneously doing something that I didn’t plan. I want someone to ask me questions and be genuinely interested in my thoughts, dreams and ambitions. I want to start smiling again, I want to start feeling purposeful again, most importantly, I want to start focusing on what I want, versus what I don’t want – as I hopefully think about my future either with or without my husband.
I know who I am, I know what I want, I know what I need to do and as I continue being authentically me, I know that it will deflect the people who shouldn’t be in my life and affect the people that should.
One thing this experience has taught me is to stay faithful in God’s plan for my life; to surrender, pray…let go and let God. It has taught me to consistently open my bible, to start getting on my knees and fervently pray and to be keenly aware of the people God provided in my life – sending me private messages, writing encouraging comments and texting me reassuring thoughts.
I am not staying or going on this joint road because of fear, I am tenaciously walking my chosen life’s path because of Love. I love my husband, that’s why I stay. In the same token, I love my husband, and that’s why I am also ready to go.
Tonight I saw a shooting star.
For a moment I was reminded of the hopes and wishes I dreamt of as a young girl looking at the night sky. I closed my eyes and in the most child-like intention, I prayed for my strength and I wished for the marriage God intended me to have.